6/21

i finally found the time (and the will) to start posting again…

summer has finally arrived!! day after dreadful day of school we have endured, but the senior class of 09 has made it. we stand now from the pinnacle of our high school careers only to be pushed off later to start our journey once again in college. eh but who cares, i’m pretty excited. looking back on the year now, i can’t say i’ve done or achieved much -_-;; and i should say something doesn’t feel right or empty, but i feel right as rain XD actually now that i think about it… i guess i have achieved some stuff LOLS. let’s see… i (or at least i think) grew out of the name dirty josh cause i take showers everyday now so blah to you haters, mmm i finally started wearing jeans again and i finally have shirts of my own that i didn’t get from some church related event, i went 12 weeks without touching a single electronic game, i went to New York for the first time of my life (then had whitecastle on the way back ), finally bought a suit that fit me, got caught for speeding, got accepted into virginia tech, if you’re reading this gj, graduation week, DYNASTY, turning legal, read a book because i wanted to (hasn’t happened since middle school), saw our nation elect it’s first black president, no seriously gj, senior banquet, and much more but i can’t remember them all cause it’s kinda late o.o

senior banquet has made me realize how ungrateful and how blind i was to all the loved ones in my life, who have blessed me and honored me with their company. i never truly knew the magnitude or the impact that these people have had on my life. i know i can be weird at times… so how do they put up with me?? i don’t think i can put up with me -_- lol i was gonna do a shoutout kinda thing… but i’m totally failing, because i don’t wanna leave anyone out and there are a lot of people that need to be thanked i dunno in the end, even though i may not express my affection explicitly, just know it’s buried under layers and layers of awkwardness and manpride… but rest assured, the care and the love is there. i feel like i’m giving my deathbed speech so let’s stop this nonsense and talk about something happier

so today i’ve watched a walk to remember in it’s entirety for the first time… that movie in a word: ownage. even though the cheesiness of the comet scene is still bugging me, that movie was still amazing. makes me envious though -_- i wish i could find someone like jamie (jamey? i dunno), except minus the leukemia. mmm hopefully God has something similar in store for me hehe since we’re on the topic of movies, i’ve picked up a kind of cliche life motto from the dead poet’s society. Carpe diem; seize the day. life is too short to waste idle breaths and thoughts scheming and planning. instead, from now on… carpe diem (hopefully you get the point, i didn’t want to go off on a metaphor gay tangent o.O) zahhhh so late, updates later so farewell and adieu lols that was gay

josh

 

3/16

i have only come to realize how inconsiderate i am, in a word… selfish. mmm i need to start posting again, but not today though, too tired and too stressed -_-

josh

 

3/04

as of yesterday, i have officially picked up bboying

josh

 

3/02

stream of consciousness, its funny how a stream of consciousness tends to repeat itself, when the mind is stressed or angry. the mind is a funny thing… my mother seems to have lost her mind -_-. mk, so here’s how it went: i get home from giant after buying some lettuce from Giant (specifically she wanted me to buy romaine, but i bought red lettuce instead), ok so i’ve tried writing this out several times, but i’ve failed. basically, my mom thinks i’m ungrateful… basically, i bought the wrong lettuce and she goes off telling me to go back to giant and get the right lettuce. personally, i don’t care and i don’t think my brother would either, wow… i can not concentrate. she keeps yelling about the same stuff: family history, buying me a laptop, not liking her meals, etc… i dont even understand how she came to some of her conclusions. she says i dont like her meals, but honestly, i do. she also gets pissed off about me holding off dinner for 5 minutes, because i was busy on my laptop. that somehow equates to me being ungrateful and thinking her food tastes bad. oh my goodness, i’ve never been yelled at for so long about such worthless stuff. i don’t even have the strength to listen anymore. i wish i can sleep. now she’s talking about canteloupe… how she didn’t eat any (there were 3 whole ones), because my brother and i wanted them… no one asked you to do that, there are three… we can effin share…  ugh listening just drained me of all my energy. i have no will to write a post anymore… nee, i thought this was gonna be a good one too D:

josh FML

 

2/15

mmm, i havent written an entry in a while, so i shall write one now as i sit in eric noh’s dorm… XD woot

its 2 in the morning but everyone is still pretty much awake. even though two of my friends are canoodling in a bunk (they’re both guys -_-), we’re all kinda awake XD. so it is now officially the start of week 5 of my “no game bet” and it has been going pretty well ^^, except… i am still short on time. now instead of playing games i do a multitude of other activities: guitar, download / watch movies, etc ( i even have time to read the bible thanks to the insistence of some ;D). funny, since removing an activity that took up such a large chunk of my time and virtually left me with nothing to do, i have sought to fill that void, the emptiness… the worthlessness -_-. i wonder if thats how all human beings are. i surmise that we are all finding busy work to do in order to either give our life meaning, to “create” a reason for existence, or to concentrate on things at hand and avoid the big question of why. actually, maybe some people don’t really care. i exist, other people exist, but why does everything exist? do we gain the reason for our existence over time (ie i exist to avenge someone or something, take care of my family, etc) or is it that everything has a set reason for existence (basically God-based / higher being related reason)? regardless i dont know what to think, similar to my current situation with girls. lately, i’ve been feeling so scum because of girls. eff that shiz -_-. a utopian society would be a population of nongender animals. if you think about it, half the conflicts of this world are caused by either moeny or women and so without a difference between men women there would be half as many problems XD. wow i am so tired… this was a short entry but i’m very close to passing out -_- i’mma just close my eyes for a little bit more tomorrow a;kv asfkbv sdlkbm s

josh

 

1/29

So, I have soccer practice in the morning, meaning this’ll be short XD.

I guess after a day of thinking, the answer that I have finally come upon is a simple: “Who am I?” In context, it’d be like the Job / God scenario where God reprimands Job for questioning God. In the same way, who am I to judge other people? What makes me superior to others, so much that I have an entitlement of being mean to them? I’m not and slowly I have to accept this. Maybe not slowly XD, but surely. I became annoyed today and so I am still lacking in patience. Mmmmm I need to sleep.

josh

 

1/28

I find it awfully strange that the hardest person to love would be the one that I see everyday. Why is it so hard to show love to my brother? Well, its not that its hard to show love, it’s just that almost everything he does drives me crazy. He literally cares for nothing but girls and his computer… Honestly, if he didn’t have those two things in life, he would be nothing. I’m sorry, I am a total jerk, but I have to be honest, my brother somehow manages to carry within his lanky body all of my worst pet peeves. His love for games is ridiculous, so much so that it even surpasses mine… Maybe its because I see him so effin much. Within this tiny townhouse, there is nowhere I can just be alone and my brother and I are usually stuck for the better part of the day in the living room. I really hate seeing him when I want to be alone. Along with being a jerk, I am also selfish. I really want to be alone. I desperately need me time, but no… there sits my brother at his usual spot, talking to girls and playing retarded flash games for hours to no end. I clear my throat loudly, glare, stomp a foot, doesn’t seem to take a hint… What really gets to me is when I can’t even sleep, because of his obsession. Not only does he talk to them online, he spends hours upon hours talking on the phone during the night, keeping me awake till the early morning hours. Their conversations aren’t even interesting, so its not even fun to eavesdrop; to be honest, they’re so dull…

If there’s one thing that I might be able to take away from living with my brother, it is patience. Even then, I haven’t fully learned to be patient yet and sometimes, its so hard. I literally want to beat the living crap out of him, and it kills me that I want to do such a thing. Not only is it a sin to harbor such malicious feelings, but also I feel guilty, because my self-centeredness is so unbelievable; like a poison dissipating through water (I just feel like crap -_-). I pledged to be nicer to people and yet, why can’t I be nice to this person? I don’t even really understand what about my brother annoys me. HE IS ALWAYS AROUND… The more that I think about it, the more stress that I get. People say I’m a bad brother, I agree. I’m a terrible brother. But right now, I guess that’s just the way I am. If there’s one thing I’ve been struggling with, it is to let go of myself; more specifically putting the interests of others before mine. Well I don’t find it difficult for friends and even with my parents, its getting better, but with my brother… Oof, I’ve never had more contempt for anyone else in my entire life. I really, really dislike my brother right now. I am so sick of him. Gah, I hate myself… Why would I say such things? Cause its the truth? But still, its my duty to love my brother. I get way too much nerd rage, because of him. I need to take like a 20 year break from him. Really, really tired of seeing him.

Man, I feel like a total noob right now. I have so much pride… so many problems… I need to just let go; release all care and don’t worry. Fight for things that are worth fighting for, but know when to give up, to relinquish my crown. Why do I always end up bitterly fighting over things that don’t really matter. Maybe its cause I lack self-control. According to some of my teachers, I am lacking in this discipline XD. Even I don’t like my personality -_-, I feel so ugly right now. Why does my brother make me feel this way? What a dick ^^. Meh, change is neither fast, nor painless, but effin, it hurts way more than it needs to. I guess I have to learn to love my brother more… No matter how effin… pissed… annoyed… steamed… I get. I didn’t even know I had this much to say about such a trivial topic. At the moment I am a bad brother, what I want to achieve is nice brother status… first step, I think I’ll move my laptop to my room, but then I won’t be able to see my dogs… I love my dogs… Eff this dilemma

josh

 

1/27

Currently listening to “Beauty for Ashes” by Shane and Shane.

Mmm, so this morning I have realized how inept I am at using the WordPress interface. I spent the better part of half an hour fiddling around on wordpress to no real avail. Meh, posting is easy enough XD

Today, NOVA is receiving its first legitimate snowfall of the year. The mysteries of the world, in a world of efficiency, one might begin to wonder “where is the room or the need of beauty?” But, today on this glorious day, I’m captivated by the God-given gift of snowfall. Oh and the nostalgia that arises from such a sight. Today, I am a senior in high school, I have already lived 17 years of my life… 17 years… was just a fleeting moment, it seems… unbelievable. In the past, I struggled a lot with the inevitable doom that loomed menacingly in the shadows of the future, so much so that I went through bouts of depression. Everything of enjoyment, everything that I loved, was haunted by the most simple absolute of our lives: death. I still think about it sometimes, but I think about it now with a lighter heart. What’s different now? Now I am firmly established and I find my comfort in my God.

In my insecurities I flounder, trying to hold onto the old foundations of my life, but they slide away hopelessly. Slowly, the fortress that I had created around within my heart have started to crack and crumple. The walls that I have put up so meticulously are crashing down around me. All I can do is watch and I feel… broken. complete. loved. The one thing that I’m beginning to realize is that my own worth isn’t found in my accomplishments, but rather in God. A common pattern among humans is the need to win, to be the best, to prove their worth. In losing, I want to find my security. It’s not that I want to be apathetic, but I want to be free of the need to win. I don’t need to win in order to be worthy. I am God’s beloved and “I delight myself in the richest of fare, and trading all that I am, for all that is better.” In losing, there is beauty; it’s ok to lose…

FIRST SEMESTER IS OVER XD. Even though it never really mattered to me since I was early decision, I feel as if even more weight has been lifted from my shoulders ^^. And now everyone, except some art students , can play XD. The past couple of days have been pretty hectic and I haven’t been able to blog as much. On thursday and friday, I felt sick as nuts; it was as if somebody was driving nails into my skull. Then on Saturday, I think I got lazy XD, hopefully that won’t happen to often. Sunday, just chilled (church, ate asian bistro at tysons for the first time; delicious ^^), and played ball and had a small group lock in, which was pretty chill, but I got dominated in poker… Then yesterday, there was a ski trip and it was pretty fun, but I got dominated there too XD. This morning, I woke up with a huge brusie on my butt and my body is so sore -_-. I hope there’s no school tomorrow , cause I’m not going anyways XD. Wow, I need to watch myself. I am done now, I am content and empty (in the mind XD).

josh

 

1/23

and as we are, we lift up our anthem of praise

XD, i need to go to bed, but i don’t feel fulfilled without writing an entry, so here’s another short one

josh

 

1/21

Prepare for a long one… Mmm, I’m writing this now in the face of an english paper, a research portfolio, a biology test, a geosystems test, and a calculus test… And I write this proudly XD. The lack of motivation I have right now is ridiculous; or maybe its not a lack of motivation, maybe I just don’t care about school… Aren’t they the same…? Wow, I’ve never actually realized the magnitude of this workload, but sad to say I don’t care. What’s so great about technological improvements that the world forces people to learn such worthless information? I’m happy with the way life is right now. The life that I imagine in the future consists of the basics like running water and electric and God forbid some luxuries, like a computer with internet, but after that, what do I really need. Someone to love? ^^ I hope that’ll come in time too . I tell myself I don’t need much, but in retrospect, humans are hardly true independent beings. No average human would be able to survive in the wilderness if they were thrown in stark naked… Even with clothes, the average human would likely die, if left to the elements.

Ultimately, without society, humans would not be capable to survive. Only when humans interact can there be any real progress… Somehow, I managed to end up here… Well anywho, progress… How far can the human potential progress? It seems as if we’ve plateaued. Think about it, when was the last major society-changing invention created? With the advent of fire came the metals (bronze, silver, etc), then came engines, automobiles, airplanes, and computers, and now we’re here. Nuclear energy? So we’ve harnessed it, but everyone is so afraid to use it, we might as well have not discovered it. All the new innovations (Windows 7, laptops, faster airplanes) are not really anything new; they’re just a better version of something that already exists. What can we possibly create now that would significantly impact our society? Maybe I can’t think of anything, because I’m not very imaginative, I dunno.

I just picked my boogers… That was refreshing XD. I don’t think I dream properly. Everyone I talk to has such vivid dreams, but my dreams are so lame; not in the sense that what I’m dreaming about is lame, but all the sensory details are bland. And when I try to imagine things, it just isn’t real to me. Is something wrong with me? I feel deprived -_-;; What about love appeals to us, that we seek it, that we are in need of it? Psychologists have discovered the “we need love part”, but the “why”, the quintessential why… is missing. OH wordpress has spellcheck also ^^ happy day, but anyways… Why, in a world of materials, we are certainly missing a lot of the “whys”; why do we look this way? why does everything work as it does? why do we run after love? why do we exist? Existentialist… hehe. God has his plan, his reasons, and a vision. Like any other human being, I wish knew what it was -_-. The reason must be so profound… To answer a question of why, the strongest question of them all, would blow my mind. I reject that there is no why, that there is no purpose. What started life? What makes cells move the way they do? Why, why why…? In class today I learned about two absolutes today, kind of depressing if you think about it, so if you don’t want to read you should skip to the next paragraph XD; the two absolutes are that our existence is assured and that death is certain. To be scared of an absolute, how dumb, but we all do it anyways. A gut gripping fear overtakes us when we think about death: the void, the unknown, the new frontier. Actually, its not really a new frontier, people have already been there XD. If acceptance were as simple as saying a declarative statement, life would be much simpler, since its not… oh well haha.

Laughter. There is nothing more heart warming, nothing more human, then a genuine laugh. Even the creepy evil ones, if they’re genuine, they are priceless XD. In essence, the lack of laughter is in a sense death. People who don’t laugh, even bitterly, are without life. Such a basic emotion, such an innocent emotion. To live without it, how can one do such a thing? Seeing people laugh; showing off pearly whites in sheer enjoyment, what a site to behold. I mean, sure there are times when someone might make fun of you and then laugh, where the laughter is one-sided, but if it’s mutual… awesome ^^. It’s like the basic concept from Patch Adams; we should cherish the tiny blip that we refer to as life and it should be our goal to improve not only the lifestyles of ourselves, but also of our fellows. The greatest enjoyment, the most priceless thing is this whole wide world, would be to make the unhappy, happy, alleviate harsh situations for the sake of another. And even if this is corny and cliche, I can say this with an honest heart. My dream job would be a job where I can work to make other people smile, but such a job doesn’t pay well so… I’m going to be a vet, which is my second dream job. Animals are my thing ^^.

Mmm, if only life were as simple as I thought it should be… then there wouldn’t be any problems XD, but by no means am I saying I have the solution to every problem, but rather I’m saying such an ignorant thing with a very narrow perspective. I’m not even going to go into religion, the right to success at the cost of another man’s pay, etc. Such an entry would probably never end ^^, another day maybe… Love strikes me odd, if there’s one thing I don’t understand, its love. What a useless emotion XD. nah, I’m just saying that because I find it one of the most enigmatic concepts of life. There are so many cliches out in the world; “Love is the soul’s recognition of it’s counterpart” , “Love is the willingness to endure the ends of the earth” , “Love is patience”… so many cliches, I feel like love has lost a little of its meaning in the mess of its many “modern” definitions. Acts of love; easy to identify, yet hard to explain -_-. Why mention love now? I’m confused XD. See, to much thinking ^^.

Everyday since Sunday, I have started the day with a simple request: “Help me walk with You today” and it seems to be quite effective. My days are different, my thinking is different, it’s kinda weird. Then daily reflections before I go to bed help too. And writing all this down is also really helpful, so at the end of the day, I am nothing but a content empty head XD. Today, I went to school without doing any homework, but by some miracle, I made it!! Then after school I went to tutor a friend. It was nice, sad to say, it was the highlight of my day XD, but no regrets ^^. It’s foolish to regret, get up and move on; a life motto that I find especially difficult to follow . By my standards, today was a success, I was happy XD. Now, American Idol is on… Why do I watch other people fail? Actually, I think singing is the greatest asset a person can have. If I can have one skill in life, I’d rather be able to sing above all else. I’m so jealous of singers ^^. congratulations if you read all of this.

josh