Currently listening to “Beauty for Ashes” by Shane and Shane.

Mmm, so this morning I have realized how inept I am at using the WordPress interface. I spent the better part of half an hour fiddling around on wordpress to no real avail. Meh, posting is easy enough XD

Today, NOVA is receiving its first legitimate snowfall of the year. The mysteries of the world, in a world of efficiency, one might begin to wonder “where is the room or the need of beauty?” But, today on this glorious day, I’m captivated by the God-given gift of snowfall. Oh and the nostalgia that arises from such a sight. Today, I am a senior in high school, I have already lived 17 years of my life… 17 years… was just a fleeting moment, it seems… unbelievable. In the past, I struggled a lot with the inevitable doom that loomed menacingly in the shadows of the future, so much so that I went through bouts of depression. Everything of enjoyment, everything that I loved, was haunted by the most simple absolute of our lives: death. I still think about it sometimes, but I think about it now with a lighter heart. What’s different now? Now I am firmly established and I find my comfort in my God.

In my insecurities I flounder, trying to hold onto the old foundations of my life, but they slide away hopelessly. Slowly, the fortress that I had created around within my heart have started to crack and crumple. The walls that I have put up so meticulously are crashing down around me. All I can do is watch and I feel… broken. complete. loved. The one thing that I’m beginning to realize is that my own worth isn’t found in my accomplishments, but rather in God. A common pattern among humans is the need to win, to be the best, to prove their worth. In losing, I want to find my security. It’s not that I want to be apathetic, but I want to be free of the need to win. I don’t need to win in order to be worthy. I am God’s beloved and “I delight myself in the richest of fare, and trading all that I am, for all that is better.” In losing, there is beauty; it’s ok to lose…

FIRST SEMESTER IS OVER XD. Even though it never really mattered to me since I was early decision, I feel as if even more weight has been lifted from my shoulders ^^. And now everyone, except some art students :( , can play XD. The past couple of days have been pretty hectic and I haven’t been able to blog as much. On thursday and friday, I felt sick as nuts; it was as if somebody was driving nails into my skull. Then on Saturday, I think I got lazy XD, hopefully that won’t happen to often. Sunday, just chilled (church, ate asian bistro at tysons for the first time; delicious ^^), and played ball and had a small group lock in, which was pretty chill, but I got dominated in poker… Then yesterday, there was a ski trip and it was pretty fun, but I got dominated there too XD. This morning, I woke up with a huge brusie on my butt and my body is so sore -_-. I hope there’s no school tomorrow :P , cause I’m not going anyways XD. Wow, I need to watch myself. I am done now, I am content and empty (in the mind XD).

josh