currently listening to
“Give Me a Sign” by Breaking Benjamin
so it’s been a while since i updated. thinking back on my old posts and whatnot, i hardly recognize the new me and i hardly remember the old me. to say the least i’ve been changing and i can’t say for sure if it’s for the better or for worse. i guess in the immediate sense, it’s for the worse. i’ve fallen so far. haha it’s funny how far i’ve fallen. actually it’s not really that funny, but i never thought i would be where i am now. where has my innocence flown away too?? :p perhaps innocence is a bad word, i dont think that’s ever coming back. zahhh life has really gone to poop -.-
we always say that God can forgive anything, but i’ve stumbled upon a personal retarded conundrum. i’ve come to the realization that the acknowledgment of this fact and the acceptance of this fact are two entirely different things. i’m completely confident that God forgives me cause i know my God can do anything, but i can’t seem to accept His forgiveness anymore. if i there are a few things i hate in this world, it’s fakers… and i’m hating myself big time right now. not to say that i keep things from God or act like a different person, but i ask for forgiveness 24/7 and one would think that one should learn from his or her mistakes. not this fool -.- so many mistakes, so many apologies to God, so it’s become a routine. to routinely ask for forgiveness… what’s sadder, the fact that i make the same mistakes on a daily basis, or the fact that i don’t bother to change even though i know i should?
as a sad defense, i can say i’m learning… kinda… for the longest time, i’ve known i’ve been fallin from God. what makes it worse and more than worse just stupid is i thought i could fix it. such a mentality made things go from bad to reallly bad. so bad up to the point i thought of just giving up the faith, but i couldn’t. even though i effed up really bad and my life was worse than dog shiznit, something in my soul, somewhere within the innermost depths of my shtupid soul, a voice rebuked such a preposterous idea. give up the faith? how can you give up something you know to be real? with such rebuke came reassurance. reassurance that i may have fallen from grace and the very faith i’ve been building may be crashing around me, but the foundation will remain for faith to be built again. i know that one day my faith will be restored. i have faith that it will HAHAHA tyte life… i can’t even finish bloggin failblog -.- pick this up tomorrow
