the events of life, the perpetual motion of things can be centered around a word… focus. with focus or the lack thereof, life can be fulfilling as it can possibly be, or it can be full, but full of the wrong things. perhaps that’s an overly simplified way to look at things: full life, full life composed of crap, or an empty life. then there’s always the circular subjective arguments of “what defines full” and “how can one determine if something is crap or not”, but i don’t really care. **philosophy tangent (aka lengthy thoughts not REALLY related to topic at hand)

what i say may influence some of your ideas, but for the most part you’re probably set upon w/e mentality you may hold regarding such subjects. people always try to “persuade”, but the choice is completely personal. whether you buy into this idea itself is a personal choice. persuasion is but an illusion. we are merely influencing independent entities with distinct responses for distinctly different situations. people dont wake up day to day and have changing opinions about their ideas, GRANTED that they know everything there is to know about the idea in question. for instance, starvation in third world countries. tis only an idea and not a “truth” to an individual unless they experience such sorrow in reality, how can one feel true compassion without being a witness? it would be the equivalent of testifying for a crime one did not even witness. in a nutshell, once a person knows everything that there is to know about an idea, the person will not care to be persuaded. persuasion isn’t a reformation of the mind, but rather just a presentation of the truth thus comes the illusion. when i know the “truth” behind something, a personal opinion will always be present. my “mind” is never changing. only the truth is changing. the only thing my mind does is interpret this amorphous truth. the switching of paradigms is but an illusion. the inner core is yet unaltered, the truth is only altered, because the mind better understands. had the “mind” been exposed to such truth, the same conclusion would’ve been reached at an earlier time, and if later, then at a later time. perhaps this is something to be pondered… back on topic HAHA

**end of philosophy tangent… focus again. there. a perfect example of focus. focus on the task at hand, or it can be full of such trivial things though i don’t consider that “thinking” session to be fruitless at all. au contraire i have nothing better to do, so that was time well spent HAHAHAHA but enough with small scope focus. focus in association with the bigger picture, the grander scheme of things. the question is… what??? focus on what…? priorities. doesn’t even have to be goals. though i do like to do things spontaneously on a day-to-day basis, i like to be somewhat structured when it comes to my decisions. thus –> priorities and so i’m at a crossroads. right now i dont even know… i look ahead and i see a terribly busy and academically stressful year. i look behind me and i see that i’ve been messin up really bad. i know my priorities are… misaligned, but seein what’s up ahead… sometimes i just wanna stay in this state of idiocy… and saying such a thing makes me realize how sad my life really is -.- what makes life even sadder is that my priorities as of this moment are revolving around school, which makes me a nerd. i will never be able to runaway from such a hateful four letter word. if i were to name my immediate priorities (the ones i’m aware of  at least) school, God, family, friends, love.

it’s quite a comical tragedy on how i list God as a priority, but really it’s become a conditioned response. do i love my God? yes. do i feel like a liar? yes. there is no active pursuit in my life. too much noise nowadays i can’t hear Him anymore. until recently a realization has dawned upon me that i gotta get right with God. i dunno what it is, but there’s a tug. i’ve been searching all of this year to understand what it means to need God. after half a year of sin and worthlessness, yes I need You, and i need You bad… though i know this, i still dont do anything about it. constantly i ask myself, “how can you be content with this sh***y life?” but has anything changed? kinda… everyone talks about radical change and something instantaneous, but it’s just too much for me. i’ve slowly tried to give up certain things, little by little. i’ve been changin and i’m thankful for any progress at all. if it were completely up to me, i would never change. i dont really wanna go into love, except i will say this. as far as i’m concerned, no more worthless pursuits, God’s all i need HAHAHA! more to be elaborated on. major writer’s block and it’s too hot in the house to write -.-

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