so what am i to do… in the time of my life where i’m supposed to be figuring things out… i am so damn confused… one hundred emotions running through my brain and one hundred problems intertwined throughout this terrible stew of emotions. if only i knew what i should do. had everything planned out at the beginning of this semester had everything perfectly planned but doubt has now shattered any notions of certainty. and doubt does not stand alone in it’s destruction of my future. who am i to deny who i truly am supposed to be? vague as that may sound, i can’t imagine doing something where i wont feel fulfillment. yeah i still want to be a doctor, but there are a million other things i would love to do before going through the ridiculous tribulations of the medical career.
thinking concisely and logically, which i’m usually very good at…. not working right now… i need a month or two or maybe a couple years to chill. it seems like i never have time to think, to reorganize, to reset my priorities, to refocus. focus. nothing worthwhile can be accomplished without focus and focus is what i’m seriously lacking. God help me. if there’s ever a time i needed clarity and some sort of sign in the right direction, now would be prime. even now i have no right to complain. where is my active pursuit, my relationship, my need for Jesus. i’ve fallen so far, smart enough to realize it yet to unfocused to do anything about it. another excuse. feeling incompetent is not helping -.- i apologize for my excessive qqing, but i need somewhere to vent. somewhere i can braindump so i can reset my brain into a functional mode. i want to be relaxed. i want to be happy. i want to do me and enjoy what i love doing. obligations, requirements, and whatever the effin else constricts life may be necessary, but i would really like a day without it. a COMPLETE day. i just want to chill… do what you want. do it because you love it. i hardly understand what that means anymore in all honesty. some aspects of my life, yeah i love it and am thankful that they’re keeping me afloat, but the things weighing me down. it seems like the weight is becoming more than i can bear. not really to the point where i’ll end up doing anything drastic, but if this continues i dont know if i’ll have enough strength to endure.
it’s weird having doubts. never was one to have doubts but now i do. so we’re watching a walk to remember and the son found out that his dad is paying for home care. i miss my dad. i miss my mom. miss my brother, i miss my family 
never realized how much i loved them until this year. where i fall short, i’m so thankful i have family to not only pick me up, but help restore my soul. the burdens of life and the daily drag is only made bearable by the thought of a goal. that my family loves me, but ultimately i will succeed because i have someone believing in me all the time. indescribable. i will make them proud. i cannot fail. God willing, help me refocus. thank you God for sending me angels. help me persevere there is no possible way i can do this on my strength alone. during the darkest times, God is most present. help me stay faithful until i can see You. my heart is heavy. zah feeling slightly better, but my brain is still jumbled. only time will tell…
