thinking concisely and logically, which i’m usually very good at…. not working right now… i need a month or two or maybe a couple years to chill. it seems like i never have time to think, to reorganize, to reset my priorities, to refocus. focus. nothing worthwhile can be accomplished without focus and focus is what i’m seriously lacking. God help me. if there’s ever a time i needed clarity and some sort of sign in the right direction, now would be prime. even now i have no right to complain. where is my active pursuit, my relationship, my need for Jesus. i’ve fallen so far, smart enough to realize it yet to unfocused to do anything about it. another excuse. feeling incompetent is not helping -.- i apologize for my excessive qqing, but i need somewhere to vent. somewhere i can braindump so i can reset my brain into a functional mode. i want to be relaxed. i want to be happy. i want to do me and enjoy what i love doing. obligations, requirements, and whatever the effin else constricts life may be necessary, but i would really like a day without it. a COMPLETE day. i just want to chill… do what you want. do it because you love it. i hardly understand what that means anymore in all honesty. some aspects of my life, yeah i love it and am thankful that they’re keeping me afloat, but the things weighing me down. it seems like the weight is becoming more than i can bear. not really to the point where i’ll end up doing anything drastic, but if this continues i dont know if i’ll have enough strength to endure.

it’s weird having doubts. never was one to have doubts but now i do. so we’re watching a walk to remember and the son found out that his dad is paying for home care. i miss my dad. i miss my mom. miss my brother, i miss my family never realized how much i loved them until this year. where i fall short, i’m so thankful i have family to not only pick me up, but help restore my soul. the burdens of life and the daily drag is only made bearable by the thought of a goal. that my family loves me, but ultimately i will succeed because i have someone believing in me all the time. indescribable. i will make them proud. i cannot fail. God willing, help me refocus. thank you God for sending me angels. help me persevere there is no possible way i can do this on my strength alone. during the darkest times, God is most present. help me stay faithful until i can see You. my heart is heavy. zah feeling slightly better, but my brain is still jumbled. only time will tell…

what i say may influence some of your ideas, but for the most part you’re probably set upon w/e mentality you may hold regarding such subjects. people always try to “persuade”, but the choice is completely personal. whether you buy into this idea itself is a personal choice. persuasion is but an illusion. we are merely influencing independent entities with distinct responses for distinctly different situations. people dont wake up day to day and have changing opinions about their ideas, GRANTED that they know everything there is to know about the idea in question. for instance, starvation in third world countries. tis only an idea and not a “truth” to an individual unless they experience such sorrow in reality, how can one feel true compassion without being a witness? it would be the equivalent of testifying for a crime one did not even witness. in a nutshell, once a person knows everything that there is to know about an idea, the person will not care to be persuaded. persuasion isn’t a reformation of the mind, but rather just a presentation of the truth thus comes the illusion. when i know the “truth” behind something, a personal opinion will always be present. my “mind” is never changing. only the truth is changing. the only thing my mind does is interpret this amorphous truth. the switching of paradigms is but an illusion. the inner core is yet unaltered, the truth is only altered, because the mind better understands. had the “mind” been exposed to such truth, the same conclusion would’ve been reached at an earlier time, and if later, then at a later time. perhaps this is something to be pondered… back on topic HAHA

**end of philosophy tangent… focus again. there. a perfect example of focus. focus on the task at hand, or it can be full of such trivial things though i don’t consider that “thinking” session to be fruitless at all. au contraire i have nothing better to do, so that was time well spent HAHAHAHA but enough with small scope focus. focus in association with the bigger picture, the grander scheme of things. the question is… what??? focus on what…? priorities. doesn’t even have to be goals. though i do like to do things spontaneously on a day-to-day basis, i like to be somewhat structured when it comes to my decisions. thus –> priorities and so i’m at a crossroads. right now i dont even know… i look ahead and i see a terribly busy and academically stressful year. i look behind me and i see that i’ve been messin up really bad. i know my priorities are… misaligned, but seein what’s up ahead… sometimes i just wanna stay in this state of idiocy… and saying such a thing makes me realize how sad my life really is -.- what makes life even sadder is that my priorities as of this moment are revolving around school, which makes me a nerd. i will never be able to runaway from such a hateful four letter word. if i were to name my immediate priorities (the ones i’m aware of  at least) school, God, family, friends, love.

it’s quite a comical tragedy on how i list God as a priority, but really it’s become a conditioned response. do i love my God? yes. do i feel like a liar? yes. there is no active pursuit in my life. too much noise nowadays i can’t hear Him anymore. until recently a realization has dawned upon me that i gotta get right with God. i dunno what it is, but there’s a tug. i’ve been searching all of this year to understand what it means to need God. after half a year of sin and worthlessness, yes I need You, and i need You bad… though i know this, i still dont do anything about it. constantly i ask myself, “how can you be content with this sh***y life?” but has anything changed? kinda… everyone talks about radical change and something instantaneous, but it’s just too much for me. i’ve slowly tried to give up certain things, little by little. i’ve been changin and i’m thankful for any progress at all. if it were completely up to me, i would never change. i dont really wanna go into love, except i will say this. as far as i’m concerned, no more worthless pursuits, God’s all i need HAHAHA! more to be elaborated on. major writer’s block and it’s too hot in the house to write -.-

so it’s been a while since i updated. thinking back on my old posts and whatnot, i hardly recognize the new me and i hardly remember the old me. to say the least i’ve been changing and i can’t say for sure if it’s for the better or for worse. i guess in the immediate sense, it’s for the worse. i’ve fallen so far. haha it’s funny how far i’ve fallen. actually it’s not really that funny, but i never thought i would be where i am now. where has my innocence flown away too?? :p perhaps innocence is a bad word, i dont think that’s ever coming back. zahhh life has really gone to poop -.-

we always say that God can forgive anything, but i’ve stumbled upon a personal retarded conundrum. i’ve come to the realization that the acknowledgment of this fact and the acceptance of this fact are two entirely different things. i’m completely confident that God forgives me cause i know my God can do anything, but i can’t seem to accept His forgiveness anymore. if i there are a few things i hate in this world, it’s fakers… and i’m hating myself big time right now. not to say that i keep things from God or act like a different person, but i ask for forgiveness 24/7 and one would think that one should learn from his or her mistakes. not this fool -.- so many mistakes, so many apologies to God, so it’s become a routine. to routinely ask for forgiveness… what’s sadder, the fact that i make the same mistakes on a daily basis, or the fact that i don’t bother to change even though i know i should?

as a sad defense, i can say i’m learning… kinda… for the longest time, i’ve known i’ve been fallin from God. what makes it worse and more than worse just stupid is i thought i could fix it. such a mentality made things go from bad to reallly bad. so bad up to the point i thought of just giving up the faith, but i couldn’t. even though i effed up really bad and my life was worse than dog shiznit, something in my soul, somewhere within the innermost depths of my shtupid soul, a voice rebuked such a preposterous idea. give up the faith? how can you give up something you know to be real? with such rebuke came reassurance. reassurance that i may have fallen from grace and the very faith i’ve been building may be crashing around me, but the foundation will remain for faith to be built again. i know that one day my faith will be restored. i have faith that it will HAHAHA tyte life… i can’t even finish bloggin failblog -.- pick this up tomorrow

new year’s resolutions (ordered from items of greatest importance to less important)

• learn to love and know the Man who loved us first, not an idea or a product
• be a better brother
• make my parents as happy as possible
• no more lies
• more patience
• less “angry” (i don’t really think i’m angry -.- i just get excited easily)
• maintain as perfect a gpa as possible
• give up games for good
• no more cursing
• become better at music (guitar and drums)
• become better at sports
• hit 225 by 15
• meet new people
• mature (hehe w/e this means)

in a years time, i hope to look back on this list a changed man. hopefully i’ll keep these goals in mind and put them into good practice. every passing minute is a chance for change and there’s a change in my life that’s been a long time coming. this is the year.

josh

josh

summer has finally arrived!! day after dreadful day of school we have endured, but the senior class of 09 has made it. we stand now from the pinnacle of our high school careers only to be pushed off later to start our journey once again in college. eh but who cares, i’m pretty excited. looking back on the year now, i can’t say i’ve done or achieved much -_-;; and i should say something doesn’t feel right or empty, but i feel right as rain XD actually now that i think about it… i guess i have achieved some stuff LOLS. let’s see… i (or at least i think) grew out of the name dirty josh cause i take showers everyday now so blah to you haters, mmm i finally started wearing jeans again and i finally have shirts of my own that i didn’t get from some church related event, i went 12 weeks without touching a single electronic game, i went to New York for the first time of my life (then had whitecastle on the way back ), finally bought a suit that fit me, got caught for speeding, got accepted into virginia tech, if you’re reading this gj, graduation week, DYNASTY, turning legal, read a book because i wanted to (hasn’t happened since middle school), saw our nation elect it’s first black president, no seriously gj, senior banquet, and much more but i can’t remember them all cause it’s kinda late o.o

senior banquet has made me realize how ungrateful and how blind i was to all the loved ones in my life, who have blessed me and honored me with their company. i never truly knew the magnitude or the impact that these people have had on my life. i know i can be weird at times… so how do they put up with me?? i don’t think i can put up with me -_- lol i was gonna do a shoutout kinda thing… but i’m totally failing, because i don’t wanna leave anyone out and there are a lot of people that need to be thanked i dunno in the end, even though i may not express my affection explicitly, just know it’s buried under layers and layers of awkwardness and manpride… but rest assured, the care and the love is there. i feel like i’m giving my deathbed speech so let’s stop this nonsense and talk about something happier

so today i’ve watched a walk to remember in it’s entirety for the first time… that movie in a word: ownage. even though the cheesiness of the comet scene is still bugging me, that movie was still amazing. makes me envious though -_- i wish i could find someone like jamie (jamey? i dunno), except minus the leukemia. mmm hopefully God has something similar in store for me hehe since we’re on the topic of movies, i’ve picked up a kind of cliche life motto from the dead poet’s society. Carpe diem; seize the day. life is too short to waste idle breaths and thoughts scheming and planning. instead, from now on… carpe diem (hopefully you get the point, i didn’t want to go off on a metaphor gay tangent o.O) zahhhh so late, updates later so farewell and adieu lols that was gay

josh

josh

josh

josh FML

its 2 in the morning but everyone is still pretty much awake. even though two of my friends are canoodling in a bunk (they’re both guys -_-), we’re all kinda awake XD. so it is now officially the start of week 5 of my “no game bet” and it has been going pretty well ^^, except… i am still short on time. now instead of playing games i do a multitude of other activities: guitar, download / watch movies, etc ( i even have time to read the bible thanks to the insistence of some ;D). funny, since removing an activity that took up such a large chunk of my time and virtually left me with nothing to do, i have sought to fill that void, the emptiness… the worthlessness -_-. i wonder if thats how all human beings are. i surmise that we are all finding busy work to do in order to either give our life meaning, to “create” a reason for existence, or to concentrate on things at hand and avoid the big question of why. actually, maybe some people don’t really care. i exist, other people exist, but why does everything exist? do we gain the reason for our existence over time (ie i exist to avenge someone or something, take care of my family, etc) or is it that everything has a set reason for existence (basically God-based / higher being related reason)? regardless i dont know what to think, similar to my current situation with girls. lately, i’ve been feeling so scum because of girls. eff that shiz -_-. a utopian society would be a population of nongender animals. if you think about it, half the conflicts of this world are caused by either moeny or women and so without a difference between men women there would be half as many problems XD. wow i am so tired… this was a short entry but i’m very close to passing out -_- i’mma just close my eyes for a little bit more tomorrow a;kv asfkbv sdlkbm s

josh